Always One Step Ahead

Imagine you need to kill someone.  How would you do it?  Now imagine that the person you need to kill can see the future.  It isn’t easy, is it?  That kind of throws a wrench in your plans.  Now you will begin to understand my challenge.  They always seem to be one step ahead of you.  I do have one advantage over you in this sticky situation.  I can see the future too.  Of course that doesn’t fix my problem, it just levels the playing field.

What’s that you say, “that’s ridiculous! No one can see the future”?  I knew you were going to say that.  You are also about to wonder why it is so important that I kill this other supposed soothsayer.  “Can’t we all just get along?”  

Now you are thinking “this is silly and those were both just good guesses, anyone would think those things in this situation.  Okay, you can stop it now.”  Sorry, people always need proof before they will take me seriously.  Not that I have told many people, but you can imagine how they react when I do.


I was in the bathroom the first time it happened.  Wait, that’s a terrible start to a story, forget that.  Let me try this again.

It was my sophomore year in high school and I was working at Arby’s, it was my first job and I was very careful to follow all the rules.  So I was washing my hands, as required by state law after certain biological activities and I looked up in the mirror.  Right then I heard a loud grinding sound and Alex, one of my coworkers, scream like a girl.  I don’t even remember seeing my reflection in the mirror because a horrifying image flashed into my mind.

I rushed out of the restroom, nearly knocking an old man down on his way in.  I slammed my way through the swinging door that took me behind the counter, flew past the the cashiers, and rounded the corner into the kitchen to see Alex holding a ham.  He was perfectly fine.

“Alex!” I gasped in confusion.

“Dude, are you okay” his eyes were big as he stared at me, perplexed as to why I burst in so out of breath.  The whole restaurant got quite from all the commotion.  I turned my neck behind me to see everyone in line staring at me.

“I was just about to ask you the same thing” I panted.

“Yeah, what’s your problem?”  He asked.  Annoyed at all the attention I was drawing.

“I thought I heard you scream”  I said quietly, hoping that everyone else would go about their business.

“What are you talking about?  I don’t scream, man.  Wait, did you wash your hands?”

I hesitated, “Yeah, of course,” and wiped my hands on my apron sheepishly.

“You know how billy gets ticked about that” he said in a firm whisper as he set the ham on the slicer and pointed to the kitchen sink.

“Fine” I walked over to the kitchen sink and started the job I hadn’t been able to finish before.  Just as I wet my hands and started soaping up I looked up into the mirror over the sink and again heard the loud grinding sound and the blood curdling girl scream.

I whipped around to see Alex jerk his hand back from the meat slicer covered in blood.  He had broken the number two rule of Arby’s “Always use the hand guard with the meat slicer”.  The grinding sound had been his thumb bone.